Sunday, June 06, 2010


so again, I will admit I am one who....wait. when did this blog become a confessional? ........hmm, well, whatever works.

Yea, I am jumped on my fair share of bandwagons over the years. I have seen aspects of myself that echo that of the Agent Smith mantra, that being we humans are "a disease", spreading and consuming like a virus. I discover something that is enjoyable, it is consumed relentlessly until there is nothing left of either it or myself, or both.

The other half of this is patient, strength, willpower, all that other stuff that sounds amazing, but requires a completely opposite state of mind. While this has been my latest craze, I haven't really acted upon it. I still consume and waste, wandering aimlessly in a pattern that in the end will lead nowhere. It is only the brief glimpses of this other side, this patient/willpower side, that snap one out of the 'virus' mode.

The thing is, you can never be on one side or the other completely. Some little spark will always light up when you get to far to one side, reminding you that the other side has benefits that you want to experience, forget the consequences. Ultimately there is only one consequence that really matters, one that you can't overcome or out live, and that is death. And to many, that isn't even a consequence.

Both of these sides are just testing the boundaries of our living life. One protects and secures us from pain, though it tends to be inherently boring in the end, the other brings as close to death as possible though excitement and immediate pleasure. I will agree that these sides exist, but not that one is better than the other. What bothers me is the idea of self-balancing these sides. We aren't in control of most what happens to us, though that doesn't mean we didn't bring it on to our self.

I have had my spurts of spontaneity over the years (call them bandwagons if you like, whatever) but they always fizzle to monotony. The monotony builds, filling the desire for radical change until there is an explosion of something new. While what I do probably isn't nearly as exciting as what other people do on a daily basis, I really don't care. I have to make my life enjoyable, and while much of that for me includes making others happy, the root of it all remains to be my happiness. And I that is not selfish, that is the truth.

Over the last year or so of discovering more deeply this other side, the patience/willpower side, I feel I have learned a great deal about myself, and have indeed strengthened my desire for a greater understanding of peace. However, I can feel myself raising the bar of patience, raising the bar of monotony, meaning that when the explosion comes it will be without question greater than the last, and further out to left field than before. There will be no explanation. No apparent reason to the casual observer. While I assure there is little I do without reason, even if that reason is complete spontaneity. Now I see this a completely positive thing, and I await this next "thing", I wonder if it is healthy, "good in the long run", etc. But then a second later, I don't care. What is the point of living and breathing if you are constantly questioning everything? You think that is air you are breathing?

SO...I keep seeing large, distant opportunities that would be great changes. Few of them are related to Architecture unfortunately, or perhaps fortunately, I can't tell. Why is trying to live in the moment seem so difficult? If I keep waiting for the 'spark' everything will just walk right on by, so I may just pick the next thing that comes along. Why not?

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