Friday, October 28, 2005

The path is fading away...

I've followed the path as far as I can, now it's fading. It's a strange feeling. I've been guided up, down, through harsh terrain, and even temporary paradise, and I've taken it all in along the way, good and bad, in hopes that it was all beneficial to the final goal in some way, only to find the path doesn't end in permanent paradise, but in a dense forest with no obvious path out.

I've arrived here at school after a long journey of ups and downs, now what at first seemed like another waypoint on the path's map, it is instead turned into a forest. So many ways out, so many different routes. Which way do I go? I could go the apparently obvious way, the way that would use my knowledge of the path to date. It wouldn't be the easiest route, but no way is going to be that easy. Right now it doesn't seem to be the most exciting route either, as it's just the same ol' path, only I'm defining where it goes now (an attribute of any path). OR I could go in just about any other somewhat interesting direction. Only problem is that I don't know too much of anything about those paths, are where they lead, but they would be a change, an interesting challenge, and hopefully provoking more excitement than the original path would. But, would the interest fade on those paths as well? All of these paths lead to a different unknown destination, none of which guarantee happiness, and/or prosperity. It's a risk, a seemingly big one, or is that just in my head, and it doesn't matter which way I go? Do I take that risk, or should I just trudge on straight ahead and hope it comes out OK? Which way should I go? There are so many interesting ways to go, at the moment it seems to be such an enormously daunting and important decision, yet no one is forcing me to decide but myself.

As much as I enjoy the idea of being an architect, there have only been a few times when I have been able to envision my future as actually being an architect, and for some reason I can't envision being happy as one. This worries me. Shouldn't I have a good idea of where I want to go? a dream? I do have a dream. The dream I keep having is of the future, but it only shows me where I end up, and not the path or profession I took to get there. My problem is that I have too many varying interests. They vary just enough to not be combined in some way, at least that's what it seems like. Here at school I am surrounded by several of these interests, all of which are tempting me in some way or another. I've been trying to figure out which I have the most interest in, but it keeps coming up 'too close to call', and now I feel like I'm stuck, stuck in a hole I willingly jumped into.

I need to get out of here. I need to think. The beach usually works at home, but I guess Georgia's sorry excuse for a beach will suffice. I'm gone.

"Every night these silhouettes appear above my head
Little angels of the silences that climb into my bed and whisper
Every time I fall asleep
Every time I dream"

Monday, October 24, 2005


My head is spinning. No alcohol tonight, that was this last weekend, where apparently I gave my first and last lap dance ever. Anyway, today it's because I've been up for about 36 hrs. straight. I don't know if that's a PB, but I'm ready to cut it short anyway. Why up so long you ask? Well, I had a powerpoint presentation due today at Noon. The bulk of the presentation was completed between the hours of 5pm Sunday and 11:30am Today. Then at 11:45 I decided to change the name of my file to include my name, just like the professor likes it. Well, for some reason my flash drive decided to corrupt my one and only electronic copy of my powerpoint when I changed the name. Luckily the professor dropped his no-tolerance policy on 'technological mishaps', since I did just print out my slides right before the corruption. So at least he knows I did the work. But that means I have to create it all over again. Ugh! Is this a test? That is why my head is spinning. That and because I had to complete another project by 6pm tonight before class. This has to be some kind of test. Tomorrow holds another project due date @ noon for another class, ask me if it's finished.

Had to skip crew this morning to finish the project I erased. That's 4 miles of punishment. wonderful.

"these will cure my aching head, help me see again. these will take away the guilt, ease my soul again..."