Tuesday, October 13, 2009

flash back

So I knew this would happen. I was warned about it as well, but I already knew it would arrive, despite my supreme confidence that I could postpone the arrival due to increased maturity since my post-high school days.  I have about had it with living with parents. I know I am only "visiting" but my lack of motivation to finish my thesis is discouraging, prolonging my stay. I have flashed back in time to the days when I would dream of all the places I wanted to go and all the experiences I wanted to have, while being trapped in my bedroom upstairs with no apparent sign of escape. I have found distraction after distraction, excuse after excuse to not work on this thesis, and I don't know why. I will get psyched up to do it sometimes, but that always occurs in the middle of the night as I lay in bed. By morning I am again distracted.  I have made many attempts at different types of motivation, nothing seems to be working......until this. The sooner I am out of here the better. I am not bound here as I once was as a kid, despite my apparent need to think so.  I am leaving, and it will be soon. Tomorrow it begins....or perhaps tonight at 2am if I get the urge.

I need to start compiling my list of adventures again. A mental list seems to get lost, perhaps a physical list is in order.

There ain't moral to this story at all
Everything I tell you
Very well could be a lie
Been away from the livin’
Don’t need to be forgiven
I’m just waiting for that cold black soul of mine
To come alive

Thursday, October 01, 2009


Ever feel like some unknown is trying to tell you something, but secretly and subliminally so they don't get caught telling you, leaving you to figure it out for yourself?

Upon writing/typing myself into another deep hole today (not as in physical depth, deep as in, "Whoa man, that's deep!"), I came across another one of those moments you can sometimes come across when contemplating the universe, life's purpose, happiness, and all of that serious stuff. "Why am I here?", etc. For a brief moment, Coincidence seemed to be a very far-fetched idea.

So as I am typing the part of my thesis about meaning, conscious and unconscious thought, making the correct decision between materiality of self and the understanding of self, and the concentration required for knowing one's self, the phone rings. At this time of the day it is commonly a tele-marketer, and I was correct. "If you are interested in joining my venture,...and want to make 40-60% return in the next year,...and have $25,000 liquid now or in the next 3 days....please press 1....".   Seriously??  How could this computer leaving this message know what I am thinking and typing about at this second?  And furthermore, but less important, how could anyone be so stupid as to believe anything a recording tells them?  Whomever is running this 'show' better start coming up with some original material. They are getting a little predictable. Unless you are trying to tell me something, in which case, I get that you are trying, but I can't make any sense of it. Better clues would be helpful, thanks.

I hate how thinking sometimes keeps you from working.  I just can't focus because of how these occurrences seem so planned and scripted. I know it is probably just a weird mood that will pass, similar to the one I get when I watch "The Truman Show" or the first "Matrix". So, as Rowdy licks his butt joyously (and loudly) at my feet, I will strive to get back to typing about Happiness, and what it really is.  As if I have a clue.......however, Rowdy seems to know.

Great, now my head hurts.....time for a nature break.