stroke of insight

While at B&N tonight looking for my next book to read, Mark Sisson's The Primal Blueprint, I came across another book that may jump ahead in queue.

The book in question is by Jill Bolte Taylor, PhD, titled creatively My Stroke of Insight. I first came across her story during my thesis work (and what a beautiful, humbling, and hopeful story it is) in the form of a TED lecture; a neuroanatomist who experiences first hand a massive stroke and lives to tell about it.

I have watched the video quite a few times since then, mostly when I need a little grounding or inspiration. I find it to be very powerful and motivating, so needless to say I was excited to stumble upon it in book form tonight.




video@TED.com

Marathon: Day 1

Ask me why I did it in 457 days and again 26.1 miles later, and you may get two different answers. I have been needing a goal of some kind for my running. I have not taken it too seriously in a few months knowing full well that having a goal is a good way to stay in some kind of shape.

Upon seeing the announcement of Savannah getting a marathon, it sounded like a fitting goal; a way to conquer two goals at once, complete a long distance run and guarantee a return trip to Savannah.

My furthest run (that I can remember) was a cool, rainy 11.3 back in January, with shod work that could have been the culprit for my once aching knees.

Since I have not been wearing my running shoes for several months now, I see no reason to put them back on. I find I enjoy running a lot more when it is not about the time or speed, but about how it makes my body feel. It can be quite a rush.

So...let the count down begin. Long way to go. 457 days and counting...

philosophy

"Universal concern is essential to solving global problems.
Each individual has a responsibility to shape institutions
to serve the needs of the world."
His Holiness the Dalai Lama

So....what is my philosophy? What are my ideals? On architecture or on life?

Well, lately they have become one in the same, and I am enjoying that; and though I have yet to apply and execute my ideals outside of student projects, I can tell you that they are not static, they are ever-changing, growing with each new experience. And, to me, that is exciting.

Here. Now, as I am sitting down this morning, typing to muted SportsCenter, at this moment everything seems so very clear, so very simple. Lucky you. Lucky me. Let us start at the base of all things.

[...if a bulleted list is more your cup of tea, I won't judge, just scroll to the end...]

We humans are driven by purpose. Daily we strive to define ourselves - with education and knowledge, with responsibility and order, and with collection of material possessions - hoping to appease our mind into believing we have a reason for breathing. Therefore, a measurable unit has been bestowed upon the purpose we seek; as all the emotion that lies within that of joy, peacefulness, comfort, and ease become condensed into one all-encompassing unit: Happiness.

180° SOUTH

Netflix'ed an unknown film the other day and was pleasantly surprised by a beautiful and moving experience. The film only adds to the building fire within to set out into the unknown as I so badly wish to do. It captures so many of my wishes, in fact, it seems as if someone has been recording my dreams and made a documentary of it. :)

"the hardest thing in the world is to simplify your life. it is so easy to make it complex."



video@hulu.com

Make per Month - May

yep, another simple box. I know it is boring, but I enjoyed giving the last usable pieces of that shipping palette a second life. Not much left is usable.

This time I tried to make a square. Figured that if I couldn't make a square out of wood I probably shouldn't be fooling around with it. I think it came out pretty good. Same as before, plenty of minor flaws, if you want to call them that, but I enjoy them just the same.

Not sure if I will making anything for June yet. Have not decided. Need to return focus to my website and job-hunting and all that jazz during my spare time, whether I like it or not. (plus the World Cup just started, so that may eat at my free time).

bandwagon

so again, I will admit I am one who....wait. when did this blog become a confessional? ........hmm, well, whatever works.

Yea, I am jumped on my fair share of bandwagons over the years. I have seen aspects of myself that echo that of the Agent Smith mantra, that being we humans are "a disease", spreading and consuming like a virus. I discover something that is enjoyable, it is consumed relentlessly until there is nothing left of either it or myself, or both.

The other half of this is patient, strength, willpower, all that other stuff that sounds amazing, but requires a completely opposite state of mind. While this has been my latest craze, I haven't really acted upon it. I still consume and waste, wandering aimlessly in a pattern that in the end will lead nowhere. It is only the brief glimpses of this other side, this patient/willpower side, that snap one out of the 'virus' mode.

The thing is, you can never be on one side or the other completely. Some little spark will always light up when you get to far to one side, reminding you that the other side has benefits that you want to experience, forget the consequences. Ultimately there is only one consequence that really matters, one that you can't overcome or out live, and that is death. And to many, that isn't even a consequence.

Both of these sides are just testing the boundaries of our living life. One protects and secures us from pain, though it tends to be inherently boring in the end, the other brings as close to death as possible though excitement and immediate pleasure. I will agree that these sides exist, but not that one is better than the other. What bothers me is the idea of self-balancing these sides. We aren't in control of most what happens to us, though that doesn't mean we didn't bring it on to our self.

I have had my spurts of spontaneity over the years (call them bandwagons if you like, whatever) but they always fizzle to monotony. The monotony builds, filling the desire for radical change until there is an explosion of something new. While what I do probably isn't nearly as exciting as what other people do on a daily basis, I really don't care. I have to make my life enjoyable, and while much of that for me includes making others happy, the root of it all remains to be my happiness. And I that is not selfish, that is the truth.

Over the last year or so of discovering more deeply this other side, the patience/willpower side, I feel I have learned a great deal about myself, and have indeed strengthened my desire for a greater understanding of peace. However, I can feel myself raising the bar of patience, raising the bar of monotony, meaning that when the explosion comes it will be without question greater than the last, and further out to left field than before. There will be no explanation. No apparent reason to the casual observer. While I assure there is little I do without reason, even if that reason is complete spontaneity. Now I see this a completely positive thing, and I await this next "thing", I wonder if it is healthy, "good in the long run", etc. But then a second later, I don't care. What is the point of living and breathing if you are constantly questioning everything? You think that is air you are breathing?

SO...I keep seeing large, distant opportunities that would be great changes. Few of them are related to Architecture unfortunately, or perhaps fortunately, I can't tell. Why is trying to live in the moment seem so difficult? If I keep waiting for the 'spark' everything will just walk right on by, so I may just pick the next thing that comes along. Why not?

oil

So I am sitting in the auto service shop today, waiting for my oil to be changed in the Jeep, trying to read...but I become distracted by the conversation of other waiting patrons who are watching the news up on the corner TV. According to the tone of their conversation, the approaching oil spill in the Gulf is the first sign of the apocalypse. Our lives are over. Pity us. Blame this. Blame that. It's the president's fault, etc, etc.

I wanted to say so badly that it wasn't anyone's fault but their own. They are demanding this oil to be obtained. Though I had to restrain myself, as I had no place to speak....as I am waiting for my oil to be changed...in my gasoline driven vehicle. Again I am reminded that there is never a reason to blame anyone else for what is happening in your own life.

The "Oil Forecast" (which the scrawny little weatherman dude on the local news has adopted to his forecast; there are doppler-like graphs and everything) says that the oil should be arriving tomorrow. Lovely. Perhaps I should visit the beach tomorrow and take one last look at the snowy white sand.

Yeah, it is going to suck...probably for a long time, but it is not the end of the world. These are simply the consequences of our collective actions. Hopefully it will help change the minds of us oil-consumers to find other means of energy and other modes of transportation.

respect karma.
peace.

Make per Month - April

So my good friend Despina formed a wonderful idea in her brain a few months ago. That being we art students haven't really MADE anything since we left Savannah after graduation. This is very true. Many of us have been busy with the new job, or the lingering job hunt, and not been inspired to make much of anything other than a depression in the sofa for some reality television.

Des collected addresses from friends and friends-of-friends, via Facebook, shuffled them all up and dispensed them to us, giving everyone a random person to make something for.

I have to say I was a touch nervous at first, having not really ever made anything in the sense that many of the other participants make. I was an architecture student. We made sketches and models, not exactly the productions many of the other artists make. Art, for sure, just a very different approach to making.

I decided to explore some woodworking for my first assignment as I have always been interested in it and I have ample equipment to begin learning in my father's garage. As per Zach, the sketches began as something that seems simple and logical, only for the final product to be far simpler than expected, with only a glimmer of resemblance to the first sketch. I made a box. Can't get much simpler.

There are more photos on Flickr, as well as photos of the sweet little black book that someone made for me.

Now it is almost the end of May and I haven't even started on this month's Make. Chances are I will explore the box again. I figure I could try something new, but the first one had plenty of little flaws and mistakes, which to be honest I really liked in the end, though I would like to give it another shot. I still have leftover material from the first one. I busted up an old wooden palette my dad had sitting aside waiting for a trip to the dump. I really enjoyed giving a piece of it a second life. I think there may be a few more good pieces left waiting for a rebirth of sorts.

peace.

sleepless

Ok, I'll admit it. There really is no point in hiding it; the concept of death scares the bejesus out of me. The fact that it is coming and there is nothing I can do to stop it. This will cease.

It never bothers me during the day though, always while an inch away from a good night's sleep. Then..BAM! Wide awake feeling so incredibly small and helpless. It doesn't happen very often, but when it does, man does it eff with my head. Though as I type, coming down, relaxing a bit, I realize it does change my point of view on a lot of things; mostly regarding how little everything matters. The things that are troublesome and stressful during the day, or what my plans are tomorrow, they all become immediately minuscule and irrelevant. How did I just go from feeling so fearful to fearless? Weird.

Oh and in case you were wondering, watching the first 20 minutes of Saving Private Ryan on TV while trying to fall asleep probably isn't the greatest idea. Better switch it over to something mindless.

I can't wait for tomorrow.

planetwalker

Today I finished reading a book. For many that is not much of an accomplishment, however my tendency is to begin and never finish reading for whatever reason. I began this book the day I completed my thesis in Savannah, several months ago now. I was released from my bonds of a Master of Architecture degree and the feeling was amazing. I was free, but it was also a rather scary moment in a pleasurable sort of way. A very strange feeling.

Leaving the Architecture building in the late afternoon I began to wonder what I would do with the remainder of my day. It wasn't too late to hit the road, but I didn't want to leave Savannah. It looked so different now. I was a bit sleep deprived so driving was not really a healthy option. My accommodations for my return visit to Savannah had expired, and though I knew I could call any of my several friends in town for a place to crash, I decided to embrace this exciting feeling of freedom. I wanted to be as independent as possible.

So...what to do? Everything in my car was related to the last year and half of archi-torture (as some laughingly put it) and I had no desire to look at any of it to pass the time. Digging through my car I found a book that I had bought a long time ago, at least a year in advance, maybe more. It, like many other things in my life, had been buried by "work".  "When was the last time I read a book that wasn't about architecture?" Unlocking my bike from the back of the Jeep, I rode over to a favorite cafe and began reading. After some time there, I went out to celebrate a friend's birthday. A couple beers later and with the cafe now being closed, I was again faced with the uncertainty of what came next. I made my way to the only place I knew would still be open, the library, which was open until 1am. Not really a place I wanted to be, but I did not care as I began digging back into the book.

"Where has this book been all my life....or least in the last year?" Dr. John Francis, author of this book Planetwalker, was speaking as if from inside my head, somehow managing to piece together all of my fragmented ideas into one simple and fluid stance. At that moment I credited the coincidence to the status of my newly weightless and very exhausted mind, though it did not prevent my mind from entering a state of awe. So when the library dimmed their lights to close, I just walked outside to the Jeep and drove to first place that came to mind.

Now, I must say, I have many theories on life, all of them certainly uncertain in my brain. Some times they appear fluidly and cohesively making absolute sense, and an hour later they contradict the previously certain theory with an equally viable "excuse". Whatever the case may be, or perhaps, whatever the cause may be....this was one of the most memorably joyous nights of my life. I have never felt so high. And the funny thing was that nothing really happened. There was nothing normal happening for sure, nothing which I regarded as entertainment, nothing prescribed to create this joy, just the fact that I was alive and free in the world.

That was all I needed and that is all I need now. This echoes much of what John Francis had written about and explored in his journey. So...as usual, just as I feel I have described a thesis of architecture that pertains to our human choices being the driver of our lives, I am smacked in the face with unbelievable coincidence which seem anything but human as I just happened to begin reading these like thoughts on the day I become free. Much like the coincidence that I happen of upon Francis' beautiful TED lecture the day I finish his book. Regularly frequenting TED.com I have yet to see his talk until today.

Coincidence is a funny thing, and I have yet to understand its place and its meaning to my life. I wonder if this is the god so many people speak of, or if it is just the chance...the result...of this probability equation we call Life on Earth.

His book was quite inspiring. I have had many aspirations to get up and leave as he did, but nothing has moved me yet to go anywhere, so I wait. As always, I make up time lines, agendas, and orders of things, all becoming excuses to not leave, not to do, not to make. My freedom of a few months ago has already been clouded with other "obligations", most of them revolving around money, an object I would love to omit from my life. Thankfully, I believe that my soul will take my body where it needs to be in order to create happiness for both realms, so...what to do next?

Here is John's TED video that I came across today. A very refreshing point of view. I hope you enjoy.

peace.
zach.